What To Do When Life Feels Unsettled

The cool thing about writing a blog post that you’re not sure anyone’s even reading is that it feels a reminiscent of a time gone by. Like something out of a Nora Ephron movie. Like a certain bookstore owner typing away, emailing a charming stranger on her Dell laptop from her Upper West Side brownstone apartment. Or, like an embittered government employee exploring French recipes from a renowned cook book and blogging about it from her rundown studio above a pizzeria in Queens. 👩🏽‍💻

Unfortunately, I’m not seated front of a window facing a tree-lined street in an apartment drenched in sunlight. It’s a Friday night, and I’m on my coach, donned in my favourite sherpa sweater…in the middle of July. The apartment is lit with nothing but dim lamps and flickering candles, and my husband is sitting next to me, lost in his own little world, working away at his latest YouTube masterpiece. And, in case you happen to be wondering, we had pizza for dinner. Cheesey, carb-y, ooey-gooey pizza 🍕. It was perfect.

Life is up in the air for us right now, in every way possible. Of course, I can’t really share exactly what I’m talking about just now. But, I promise, stick around and you’ll know everything soon enough. Because, what’s a blog without a little drama and intrigue, am I right? 😉

Needless to say, all these major life decisions are causing me a great deal of anxiety, and an overall feeling of being out of sorts. If you know me, you know that this is driving me crazy! After all, I’m the girl with the big, lofty plans - all mapped out with their accompanying budgets and timelines. And, though this all kind of sucks, it isn’t the only time in my life where I’ve felt like everything was out of control.

The first time I recall feeling like the rug had been pulled from under my feet was in 2013-2014. This year was by far one of the worst times in my life. My family had just lost our home of 15 years due to financial difficulties. We went from living in a large 4-bedroom house facing a park, to a 2-bedroom apartment facing a 7/11. I was sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor in a room I was sharing with my sister. My boyfriend of 7 years and I had a terrible break-up that shattered me 💔. I had credit card debt, was stuck in a 9-5 job I hated, and was working in an industry that I no longer cared to be in. And, to make matters worst, in the midst of all the turmoil, I’d completely dropped my burgeoning small business, an online magazine which was just starting to take off and actually make money through online advertising. It was my first real taste of entrepreneurship; something that had lit a fire in my belly and needed to explore further. But, I just didn’t have it in me. Life was just too hard, too overwhelming, and I was just too sad to work on building and growing the company. The only silver lining that year was having all that extra time to be able to spend with my friends, and the 15 lbs I’d lost due to simply being depressed (not that that was healthy, or anything).

So, here I am again. Completely different circumstances, no where near as bad as it was in 2013, but still feeling paralyzed by my complete and utter lack of control. And yes, I’m aware that no one ever really has any control in their life, but for the most part, you have some semblance of normality, routine, and a plan. I don’t have any of that, and I hate this feeling. This year has thrown everyone for a loop - a curveball that no one saw coming. At a time where my life was going to be up in the air anyways, COVID-19 has added more fuel to the fire. And, I’m left wondering and asking myself: “what should I do?”

I am trying to find ways to ground myself amidst all the uncertainty, though. I’m gripping tightly to the things that are constant and unchanging in my life - my faith, my family, and my friends. That’s really all I can do. Everything else is in flux - my health, my career, my business, my home, and so much more.

I’m hoping that this blog and this “secret” community of readers will become one of those grounding forces in my life; something that I can always turn to despite how everything else changes around me. Because, a lot of change is coming, and probably all at once. And, honestly, I’m a little bit scared. I need the support of people who “know me”, from whichever context. An online follower or blog reader counts. What you read here isn’t going to be some façade, or mirage of my life - I want this to be as close to the real deal as possible, while still respecting those parts that must remain secure and sacred. But, as much as I can share, I will, because I want to.

So, even though I’m not writing this in some cozy New York City apartment, clunking away at these keys seated by the window in a sun-washed room, I hope you feel as though these words are resonating with you. As though you’re here with me, having a conversation over a cozy cup of coffee ☕️. Or, at the very least, as though I’m narrating this as a voice-over, like a movie in your mind. Annnndddd…CUT! 🎬

Cheers,

Octavia